Today has been one of those days when I really have thought about giving up. Just saying the hell with it and becoming a sheeple. It would be easier to just stumble blindly through life following the crowd.
I really hate to be negative. I avoid being around negative people. I can usually find the good in any situation. But I’m human. Sometimes I get depressed too. I’ve faced things in my life that would kill a lesser man. I live with regrets of a wasted and misspent youth. And today I’m just sorta… Blah.
Maybe it’s just winter blues.
Em hasn’t been feeling good and has been running on no sleep for days. The boys have been sick and poor little Luke has been crying and waking up every little while. I’m tired, I don’t feel good, I can’t seem to get anything done and lately it seems everything I touch turns to crap. It’s cold outside, it’s muddy, it gets dark at frigging four in the evening and I’m tired. Just deep down bone tired. Christmas is just a few weeks off, almost every single bill I’ve got is past due and I feel like something is “off” with my health. Nothing I can put my finger on, I just don’t feel right and haven’t for a while now. As a husband and father, it scares me. I’ve been feeling shaky all day, panicky.
But I guess I’ll snap out of it. I just need to get my family all healthy, get a little rest, figure out a way to get all the bills caught up and then get my butt out and work on the farm.
I did take this past Saturday off to do a little around here. I got the garden burned off finally. I normally keep it weeded better, but with everything that was going on this past year, after the crops all matured I just let it go. This actually serves several purposes. It allows me to have a little extra pasture in early winter. The animals grazing it fertilize the garden with their droppings. The goats eat many of the weeds and weed seeds. It keeps the winter rains from washing the soil away and finally, when I do plow it all under it adds green matter high in potassium to the soil for spring. By burning it all off after it finally died down I add valuable pot ash to the soil too.
This past weekend I looked around the farm and there are so many things that need to be done. It’s frustrating. Ditches to be dug, roofs to patch, fences to put up, pens to build, cages to build, brush to clear and so much more. And I have no money for supplies, no tools, no equipment and no time. I’ve thought seriously about just making pens out of brush, mud and wattle style. It won’t last but about a year, but it will buy time to get things rolling again. Oh well, if it’s meant to be, I’ll find a way.
But as I sit here writing I can’t help but think of how lucky I am. Even with everything going on. I have a wonderful family. A loving supportive wife, great kids, a home, a job, good friends and I’ve got a plan. I’m a bit down right now, but like Em told me tonight, “it will get better”.
Maybe I can get the farm page going soon and get a few sales coming in on the spring CSA. It’s only about a month until the first seeds get started inside and the first winter greens need to be sown in the garden. I’ve also had several request in the past week for other products like jellies, jams, honey, milk products and hand made soaps. The opportunity is there if I can just get caught up and take advantage of it.
But first things first.
Go to bed old man. Tomorrow is another day.