35 Days

It’s been 35 days today since the stroke. 

I woke up this morning with a clear head for the first time since that day. I’m weak as water, still stumbling like a drunk and my croahn’s is flaring up this morning, but I’m clear headed. It’s time to make some hard choices. 

I was told yesterday that I’m the reason our kids are doing without. The reason we are losing everything we own and the reason life has basically came to a stand still. And it’s true. 

It hurt me. It bruised my ego, it hurt my feelings, it pissed me off. But it’s true. I’m the husband. The father. The provider for this family and right now I’m just not doing my job as any of that. 

So I’ve been thinking. 

A friend suggested I get back into raising the little stuff for now and has even offered to help us get some small cage birds and such to get started. I can still walk with a cane and still talk with a bit of hesitation. So that’s one idea. I can raise little pet type critters and sell them to help make ends meet until I can do better. It won’t make a living, but it might at least keep rice and beans on the table. 

The time has came to let the big stuff go though. I can’t take care of the cow, the pigs or the stuff like that right now and there is no one else to do it for me for the months or years it might take for me to get my health back. I’ll have to talk to Em and Pat, but I think it’s time to butcher the hogs and sell the piglets and the cow. We can always get more later when things are better. We already had some other dreams we had to let go, so this is no different I guess. It will break my heart, but it breaks my heart now to know they aren’t being taken care of the way they need to be and I have just got to face reality and the reality is I’m not able physically or financially to take care of them right now. 

The kids start school next week and we haven’t got the funds to buy them any of their school stuff, thinning down the farm will give us the funds to do that and possibly even pay a bill or two. 

The garden is half done. I’ll see if I can get someone to finish it and get what we can out of it for this year and just hope next spring I’ll be in better shape with my health and maybe able to afford the tiller and such I’ll need to do it properly. For now we will just have to make do. 

This week is a nightmare of Drs appointments, physical therapy, running to get the kids registered for school and such. The van is shot so….

But I’m still alive and there is still hope. I’m sad but I’m trying. 

A few people have asked why I never post in my blog any more. The reason is simple. I hate not having happy, positive stuff to post. I like posting my little projects, cute pictures of the farm, the kids and the critters. I like to inspire, not depress. 

And lately there just hasn’t been much to post that has been happy.  

Pray for my family. 

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